100 Things Draco Isn't Allowed To Do
by S3xySlyth3rin
Summary: 100 things Draco isn't allowed to do around hogwarts... CRACKFIC!


100 Things Draco is not allowed to do around Hogwarts:

I am not allowed to publish the details of Dumbledore's and Voldemort's love affair, seeing as it upsets the golden boy.

I am not allowed to tell the house elves that Granger needs to be waited on hand and foot, seeing as it causes her to burst into tears, much to my general amusement.

I am not allowed to bribe first years to jump off the North Tower

I am not allowed to cast disillusionment charms on anyone's clothing

I am not allowed to insinuate that quidditch is anything more than a sport

I am not allowed to test if Harry Potter is a vampire by shooting him in the heart with a silver bullet, as it upsets the general public.

I am not allowed to sneak into the Gryffindor boys' dormitory and tape tampons to the wall, seeing as Longbottom can't seem to figure out what they are.

I am not allowed to ask Madame Maxime how much she weighs, seeing as it is an inappropriate question.

Incest is not the answer

I am not allowed to tell Filch that someone is setting off dungbombs in the forbidden forest just to see him be eaten alive by werewolves

I am not allowed to try to teach Mrs. Norris how to swim, no matter how much I think it would benefit her.

I am not allowed to ask Hagrid if he is related to Bigfoot.

I am not allowed to tell first years that centaurs will give them a pony ride if they ask nicely.

I am not allowed to ask the house elves to please please please switch all the Gryffindors' goblets of pumpkin juice for firewhisky

I am not allowed to tell first years that they will become immortal if the intake the Weasley twins' U-No-Poo.

I am not allowed to convince first years that pointing their wands at other first years and yelling "Sectumsempra" will earn them extra-credit points in charms.

I am not allowed to test "Avada Kedavara" on the Gryffindor quidditch team.

I am not allowed to ask Voldemort whether or not he is a pimp.

I am not allowed to tape a "Kick me" sign to Cornelius Fudge's backside

I am not allowed to tell the first years that the only way to be safe from Voldemort is to do something physically impossible concerning a certain squid.

I am not allowed to tell the first years that if they point their wand at Snape and yell "Fuck you!" he will melt.

I am not allowed to set Dumbledore's beard on fire.

I am not allowed to switch Proffesor Lupin's wolfsbane potion with firewhisky, seeing as drunk werewolves tend to kill small children.

I am not allowed to ask professors to please prove their genders to the school.

I am not allowed to tell first years to ask Hagrid to give them sex ed classes.

I am not allowed to test the flammability of Professor Vector.

I am not allowed to test the laws of Gravity by shoving Professor Flitwick down the stairs.

Despite Crabbe and Goyles wishes, Ron is not gay, and therefore I cannot lock the three of them in the transfiguration classroom without their clothing.

I am not allowed to tell Granger that she is a failure, seeing as it leads her to suicidal thoughts.

I am not allowed to kidnap Potter and live out my sick fantasies with him.

Rape is against the law.

I must not tell Christian children that I am God and that they must be my disciples and do as I say.

I am not allowed to curse Potter because of his dumb blonde jokes.

Ron does not make a very good hippopotamus, and therefore I am not allowed to ask for him as a Christmas gift.

I must not turn him into a hippo, despite ferret jokes.

I must not steal Mad-eye Moody's eye and tell him to ask nicely for it.

I must not burn the Hufflepuffs' stuffed animals, as they tend to sob.

I must not volunteer to be Longobottom's partner in Transfiguration, seeing as he tends to leave class in a different form than he came in.

Dumbledore does not want a haircut, especially by a drunk your's truly.

I am not allowed to hold a breathing contest with the merpeople by stranding them on a beach and seeing how long they survive.

Hagrid's Hippogriffs do not take kindly to being asked if they want a cracker, nor do they appreciate being called Polly.

I am not allowed to bring in Dragons, even though they represent my heritage, seeing as it makes the first years shit themselves.

I am not allowed to tell Voldemort that he needs a nose job, even though he does.

I am not allowed to tell Voldemort that he reminds me of tom from Tom & Jerry

I am not allowed to poke Voldemort's eyes to see if he is wearing contacts.

I am not allowed to curse everyone in sight and then claim I am bipolar.

I am not allowed to see how many times Potter will withstand the "Avada Kedavara" and claim it was a science experiment for my muggle friends. Though I have none.

I am not allowed to sing "Gold Digger" every time Blaise Zabini's mother walks into the rooms

I am not allowed to draw a dark mark onto my arm specifically for the purpose of scaring the first years. Nor am I allowed to see how long Voldemort would be fooled by it.

I am not allowed to answer the question of "why add lion's heart to a shrinking solution?" by "Why not?"

I am not allowed to test the sharpness of the school kitchen's knives on first years throats, seeing as they make a bit of a bit of a mess.

Marshmallows do not come out of tapestries.

I am not allowed to prepare our school for war by announcing a food fight. Especially on nights when we are having lasagna.

I am not allowed to cast the imperius curse on plants, seeing as they don't respond well.

Strip poker is not an approved school sport, and therefore I should not attempt to create an international league.

I should not use first years as tennis balls, seeing as they don't bounce well.

Raisins are for eating, not stuffing up first years noses. Or anywhere else.

I should not tell the dementors that they look like grim reapers, as it upsets them.

I am not allowed to tell McGonnagall to go play spin the bottle with a group of dementors.

I should not tell first years that if they cut lightning bolt shaped gashes and do not stop the bleeding that they will become the new chosen ones.

Dumbledore did not, in fact, want everyone to know that he is a sadomasochistic nymphomaniac.

I am not allowed to test the poisonous strengths of arsenic on the werewolf bites of the hufflepuff first years (see number 23)

Mops are not used for flying, so I should not tell first years that it is fun to ride them off the top of the North Tower.

I should not tell first years that Devil's Snare is a nice place to take a nap.

I should not lock Mrs. Norris in the owlery.

I should not bring a muggle cell phone to death eater meetings. They become problematic if Pot- I mean, Parkinson tries to call me.

Publishing the gruesome details of ones love life is frowned upon by the older half of society. The rest of society is turned on by it. Neither of which is something the ministry of magic wants happening.

It is not good to wallow in misery… or chocolate.

I will not walk into the Great Hall carrying my "Harry Potter is cool" lunchbox. It scares people.

The sorting hat does not enjoy being cursed out.

neither does Dumbledore.

or Voldemort.

Add Snape, McGonnagall, and Filch to the list.

I am not allowed to ask Filch if he is having an affair with Madame Pince

I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore if his lemon drops are spiked.

The Hufflepuff Common room is NOT fireproof.

Ravenclaws do not enjoy me "Borrowing" their books and then filling them with PORN!

Nor do they appreciate my attempts to warm up the slytherin common room. By lighting their books on fire.

Nor do they want a charm that makes it so the song Blood Sex And Booze plays in their common room on replay for eight days.

The ghosts however, do appreciate it.

I am not allowed to send professor Binns pamphlets for funeral homes.

The goblins in Gringotts do not like being called Rumplestiltskin. Neither do the leprechauns. Nor do they like being called cheapskates for giving away fake gold.

It is painful to play leapfrog with unicorns.

Centaurs do not know how to jump over the moon. Nor do they appreciate being called the cow who did know.

Dragons do not, in fact, like being called Barney.

The four Hogwarts founders were not the four teletubbies nor the other way around.

McGonnagall does not need to get laid. Especially by Goyle.

Pansy Parkinson is not allowed to rape Snape (But hey! That rhymes)

Parkinson is good. Potter is bad. I will get this through my head.

Their both good in a different way though. HEY! GET YOUR MIND INTO THE GUTTER!

I will not bring a puppy to the potions classroom, seeing as most potions are lethal to them.

If you sic Hagrid's dog on McGonnagall, she will not run. Unless she's being a cat….

prefect ≠ God

The cursing out of people in public places, however amusing, is frowned upon by Dumbassdore.

Neither does he like being called that.

Duels to the death are against the rules.

Dungbombs do NOT smell good and I do NOT need to test it out.

Trolls are not on the acceptable pets list.

Neither are vampires.

Getting laid by every person in the school does not earn me a medal. I should know. Though if there was a medal for it I would get it.


End file.
